What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
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My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Not all heroes wear capes…
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?