I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
You Might Also Like
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
normalize having existential bread
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Children of the corn 🌽
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’