Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
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Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]