I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
You Might Also Like
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
I am having an out of money experience.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Current mood: Potato
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back