It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
You Might Also Like
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
women dont read this…
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?