son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
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BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house