Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
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My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Husband of the year 😂
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.