I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
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USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Happy weekend !
My work here is don’t.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Has there ever been a more American story?
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted