this is funnier than any friends episode
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wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”