My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
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I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?