According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
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I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
why no one uses midhusbands
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.