When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
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Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.