Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
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I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Rather alarming headline…
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom