To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
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[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
this country is so goddamn polarized
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war