Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
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Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
They’re the worst 😩
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest