The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
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People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
Kermit goes Blue.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.