If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
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Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”