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At least my masseuse has my back.
girls literally only want one thing..
i could never be president. im overqualified.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down