They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
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I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket