I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
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I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
it must be school picture day
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”