Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
You Might Also Like
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱