Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
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crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
cat vs inanimate object
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today