ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
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Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No