I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
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Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up