A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
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Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
I’m a bad influence on myself.