All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
You Might Also Like
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
This is painfully accurate 😅
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*