Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
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If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
FINE, I WON’T.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no