A sick whale is called an unwhale
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I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.