*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
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Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Finally!
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.