Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
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Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.