How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
You Might Also Like
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.