Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
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Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.