Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
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[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts