Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
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According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
*pronounces fake like saké*
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
This cat wants you to take your pills
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast