i could never be president. im overqualified.
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[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Happy weekend !
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Blew my mind.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.