Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
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Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
$3 #books
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business