There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
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wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.