how it started vs how it ended
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IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
True
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
Finally!
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
accurate
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it