me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
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[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.