Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
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accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
taking June’s advice to heart
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.