If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
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Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”