“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
You Might Also Like
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Nice try, NASA
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry