I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
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Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
🤭😂
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.