Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
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me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.