Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
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Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
why no one uses midhusbands
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be