There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
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I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!