Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
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Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Is….Is this an option?
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.