[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
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Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…