Typos are what differentiates is from robots
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[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
I want what they have
repaired
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.