Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
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AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .